“Courage is being the
only one who knows how terrified you are.”
It’s been a little over a week since my trip to Bolivia. I still think
about it every day. I miss the kids. I miss the families. I miss my team. I
miss experiencing God’s presence so fully. I miss EVERYTHING about that mission
trip. Everything. I feel terrible because so many people are interested in how
the trip went for me, but the only words I can muster to say are “it was
amazing.” I want so badly to be able to explain it, but words do it no justice.
There has been an overarching theme in my mind since my trip to Bolivia
that I cannot seem to shake: WHY ME? Why did God choose me to go on this
mission trip? Why did God choose me to lead that young lady to Christ? Why did
God choose me to speak on insecurity and encourage dozens of women? Why did God
choose me to light up the faces of precious children? Why did God allow me to
experience Him so fully that week? Why did He choose me, period?! I mean
honestly… does He even know me at all? I am the girl who grew up with an
extensive knowledge of who He was my entire life. A private Christian school
education, a Baptist church upbringing, and a mother & grandmother that
were determined to teach me about Christ. I am the same girl who walked away
from all I was taught in spite of His effort to call me back. I have spent most
of my years running from Him and filling this God sized void with things of
this world. I am the girl that gave up the precious gift He intended for my husband,
the girl who lost herself in the whirlwind of drugs & alcohol. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am the girl who has completely abandoned EVERYTHING He says about me, and who has relentlessly tried to recreate myself outside of His will. How could I possibly minister to people for You? Encourage people for You? Have a hand in Kingdom work? I have lived, walked, and talked any and
everything BUT the “Christian life” You designed for me I assumed You wanted me to live (without even consulting Your opinion).
So...about a year and a half ago I started my RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, but (as I have recently discovered) I have been very much so
tied to legalism. It’s so interesting the way God revealed this to me. He sent
me to minister to a country full of religion and legalism. He sent me to share
a story I did not even know I had. He works in such mysterious ways. Anyway…
throughout this year and a half of relationship I have fallen and gotten back
up MANY times. I thought that after that day I truly accepted Jesus into my
heart that I would live this “perfect Christian life.” Some arbitrary image I
created in my head based on looking from the outside in on other people’s
lives. I would stop having sex. I would stop being insecure. I would stop cussing, drinking, and doing drugs. I would be confident. I would WANT to spend time with Jesus everyday. I would be happy all the time. I would never mess up again. I would be the "good Christian girl" finally, I would be perfect! It DEVASTATED me when I realized this was not the case. It devastated me
because I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I get it right?! I did all the right things... read my bible, went to church, spent time with Jesus every day, stopped doing "bad," etc. So...how is it that I have fallen...again?! Messed up again?! Let You down again?! How is is that I am NOT the "good Christian girl?" How is it that I am not perfect?
HELLO!! IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN. DUH.
Perfectionism, legalism, and pride will keep you so deep in bondage you will not know up from down. First of all, perfection is an illusion. It is a tactic the enemy uses to keep us tied to insecurity. He creates in our heads this perfect depiction of who we should be so that when we do not reach it we will fall into condemnation. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY PERFECT PERSON THIS WORLD HAS EVER AND WILL EVER SEE!! Period. Nothing you say or do will make you perfect. Jesus left His perfect home to live a perfect life on this imperfect earth. The life we were supposed to live. Then He died the death we were supposed to die so that THROUGH Him we could experience perfection. The only perfect thing we can experience on this earth is the gospel, and God's perfect will for our lives. The minute we try seeking perfection outside of Jesus we begin to dishonor His entire life. Perfectionism believes that you can save yourself by your own actions, which looks at the cross and says "what You did is not good enough." Legalism is a form a perfectionism. Pride fuels both of these. Accepting the gospel means realizing NOTHING we do can save us. It means admitting that we need saving. It means laying down our pride and humbling ourselves under the hand of God. It is only though HIS power that we can live the ABUNDANT life He died to give us.
[Disclaimer: Everything I just said I am saying to myself. I think that may be why God prompted me to write this...to minister to myself! I'm trying to be as authentic as I can because I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle. We have to stop comparing our lives based on our external view of other peoples lives. We all have our own private struggles. We all have our own private fears. We all have our own private battles. But God let those come in your life because He knows that He can show His glory through you. Keep pushing. Keep striving. Keep getting back up after every fall. God loves you, and He is faithful to finish EVERYTHING He has started in you. I say none of this to condone sin. None of this is to say it's okay that you are bound to your bondage. This is all to say that you do not have to be bound. You do not have to keep sinning. You do not have to hold that guilt. Conviction always comes with HOPE! Hope that Jesus is greater than what is trying to take you out. If you are feeling "conviction" that is void of hope, then you have crossed into the land of condemnation. Remember Romans 8:1. Give it to God. You have a purpose, a testimony, and a ministry that is going to advance His kingdom].
You are beautiful.You are loved.You are forgiven.Walk in that freedom!
"So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." John 8:36 (AMP)
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