Wearing My Heart On My Sleeve... (a rabbit trail through my Bolivia reflections)

“Courage is being the only one who knows how terrified you are.”

It’s been a little over a week since my trip to Bolivia. I still think about it every day. I miss the kids. I miss the families. I miss my team. I miss experiencing God’s presence so fully. I miss EVERYTHING about that mission trip. Everything. I feel terrible because so many people are interested in how the trip went for me, but the only words I can muster to say are “it was amazing.” I want so badly to be able to explain it, but words do it no justice.

There has been an overarching theme in my mind since my trip to Bolivia that I cannot seem to shake: WHY ME? Why did God choose me to go on this mission trip? Why did God choose me to lead that young lady to Christ? Why did God choose me to speak on insecurity and encourage dozens of women? Why did God choose me to light up the faces of precious children? Why did God allow me to experience Him so fully that week? Why did He choose me, period?! I mean honestly… does He even know me at all? I am the girl who grew up with an extensive knowledge of who He was my entire life. A private Christian school education, a Baptist church upbringing, and a mother & grandmother that were determined to teach me about Christ. I am the same girl who walked away from all I was taught in spite of His effort to call me back. I have spent most of my years running from Him and filling this God sized void with things of this world. I am the girl that gave up the precious gift He intended for my husband, the girl who lost herself in the whirlwind of drugs & alcohol. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am the girl who has completely abandoned EVERYTHING He says about me, and who has relentlessly tried to recreate myself outside of His will. How could I possibly minister to people for You? Encourage people for You? Have a hand in Kingdom work? I have lived, walked, and talked any and everything BUT the “Christian life” You designed for me I assumed You wanted me to live (without even consulting Your opinion).     

So...about a year and a half ago I started my RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, but (as I have recently discovered) I have been very much so tied to legalism. It’s so interesting the way God revealed this to me. He sent me to minister to a country full of religion and legalism. He sent me to share a story I did not even know I had. He works in such mysterious ways. Anyway… throughout this year and a half of relationship I have fallen and gotten back up MANY times. I thought that after that day I truly accepted Jesus into my heart that I would live this “perfect Christian life.” Some arbitrary image I created in my head based on looking from the outside in on other people’s lives. I would stop having sex. I would stop being insecure. I would stop cussing, drinking, and doing drugs. I would be confident. I would WANT to spend time with Jesus everyday. I would be happy all the time. I would never mess up again. I would be the "good Christian girl" finally, I would be perfect! It DEVASTATED me when I realized this was not the case. It devastated me because I thought something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I get it right?! I did all the right things... read my bible, went to church, spent time with Jesus every day, stopped doing "bad," etc. So...how is it that I have fallen...again?! Messed up again?! Let You down again?! How is is that I am NOT the "good Christian girl?" How is it that I am not perfect? 

HELLO!! IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN. DUH.

Perfectionism, legalism, and pride will keep you so deep in bondage you will not know up from down. First of all, perfection is an illusion. It is a tactic the enemy uses to keep us tied to insecurity. He creates in our heads this perfect depiction of who we should be so that when we do not reach it we will fall into condemnation. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY PERFECT PERSON THIS WORLD HAS EVER AND WILL EVER SEE!! Period. Nothing you say or do will make you perfect. Jesus left His perfect home to live a perfect life on this imperfect earth. The life we were supposed to live. Then He died the death we were supposed to die so that THROUGH Him we could experience perfection. The only perfect thing we can experience on this earth is the gospel, and God's perfect will for our lives. The minute we try seeking perfection outside of Jesus we begin to dishonor His entire life. Perfectionism believes that you can save yourself by your own actions, which looks at the cross and says "what You did is not good enough." Legalism is a form a perfectionism. Pride fuels both of these. Accepting the gospel means realizing NOTHING we do can save us. It means admitting that we need saving. It means laying down our pride and humbling ourselves under the hand of God. It is only though HIS power that we can live the ABUNDANT life He died to give us. 

[Disclaimer: Everything I just said I am saying to myself. I think that may be why God prompted me to write this...to minister to myself! I'm trying to be as authentic as I can because I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle. We have to stop comparing our lives based on our external view of other peoples lives. We all have our own private struggles. We all have our own private fears. We all have our own private battles. But God let those come in your life because He knows that He can show His glory through you. Keep pushing. Keep striving. Keep getting back up after every fall. God loves you, and He is faithful to finish EVERYTHING He has started in you. I say none of this to condone sin. None of this is to say it's okay that you are bound to your bondage. This is all to say that you do not have to be bound. You do not have to keep sinning. You do not have to hold that guilt. Conviction always comes with HOPE! Hope that Jesus is greater than what is trying to take you out. If you are feeling "conviction" that is void of hope, then you have crossed into the land of condemnation. Remember Romans 8:1. Give it to God. You have a purpose, a testimony, and a ministry that is going to advance His kingdom]. 

You are beautiful.You are loved.You are forgiven.Walk in that freedom! 

"So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." John 8:36 (AMP)

4 day recap (my bad...)

I'M SO SORRY!

I said I was going to try to blog and journal every night...well....fail (obviously)! Our days are so jam packed that by the time we get back to the hotel (usually close to 11pm) all I have the energy to do is shower and CRASH! So...I am going to recap for you as best as I can the last 3 days. I promise when I return I will write all the amazing details out (pictures included) to the best of my ability. Although, this is an experience that is EXTREMELY hard to articulate. Words cannot fully convey the experience I have had thus far. Anyway, I digress...

The first 2.5 days we did medical missions. The first day we only had one doctor. He saw 151 patients, BY HIMSELF!! Like oh my goodness. It was amazing. So many people received doctoral attention for the first time. We prescribed easily 500+ prescriptions that day. We prayed over lots and lots of people mostly for healing. We also led several people to Christ. Different members of our team had the opportunity to share their (powerful!) testimonies. I believe we truly encouraged the people of Bolivia. The second day of medical missions we had two Bolivian doctors agree to come help us, praise God! Together the doctors saw 250+ patients that day. It was another amazing day full of prayer and testimonies. We also were able to share the gospel with children. It was such an amazing experience to love on them. They were so receptive to our love. They longed for our attention. It was great to see the smiles on their faces and the gratitude they had towards us for simply playing with them. They totally stole my heart. I did not spend as much time with them as I would have liked to, but just to see them smile was enough for me. The 3rd day we went to a different location to do medical missions for half a day. This area was an unbelievably poor community. You will have to wait to see pictures to fully understand the poverty. There were A LOT of kids there. I was allowed to spend a lot of time with them which was AMAZING! We played softball with them, handed out candy, and just showed them love and attention. More of our team shared their testimonies, and we prayed over many people again.

Now...Wednesday afternoon has had the biggest impact on me thus far. All of the women went together to have a tea/women's conference at the house of one of the Pastor's here in Bolivia (Ps. Ruth). Her home was BEAUTIFUL! To walk in and see so many women full of God was such a beautiful sight. Every single women we encountered was beautiful on the inside and out. I gave my testimony at this event. I shared my struggle with insecurity that God has delivered and is still delivering me from. Three other ladies also shared. They spoke on forgiveness, peace, and the promises of God. It was so powerful. However, the moments that impacted me the most was the fellowship after the speaking portion was over. The women just loved and loved and loved on us. They had so much love to give, and they wanted us to know it. One lady told me "I did not hear all of your testimony, but as you were talking I saw God in you and it was beautiful!" I was in tears right there on the spot. It was like the Lord was speaking to me directly through her. He knew I was struggling with believing in the power of my testimony and just the power of my presence on this mission trip in general. Then He prompts a beautiful women of God to say these words to me. You canNOT tell me God is not real. All of the women there just poured so much into us. They encouraged each one of us in a unique and special way. I also believe we encouraged them. They were encouraged to know that Americans struggle with the same things they struggle with. By the time it was time to go we were all in tears. I balled because I did not want to say goodbye. It was hard, but I know that those women hold a special place in my heart (and I in theirs) for the rest of our lives. My life has been forever impacted by their love.

TODAY...we went to a university campus and evangelized. It is the largest university in the country with 87,000 students. If you know me, then you know how far out of my comfort zone this type of missionary work takes me. I am all about helping and doing things for people, but evangelism is a stretch. Anyway... we used the God test to open the door to share the Gospel. It was so crazy because the FIRST person I ministered to accepted Jesus into their hearts. Like...WOW! This is something I never thought I would be able to do. God is so good, and if you let Him He will use you right where you are. He has certainly used me this week in spite of me. I think total as a team we led 10 people to Christ today. There was such a spirit of religiosity on that campus (and really in Bolivia as a whole). One of the questions on the God test is "what do you think God expects of you?" Almost every single person responded with something along the lines of being a good person or following the rules. There is no concept of God's grace and love here. Everyone is so caught up in religion that they have no RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. This totally speaks to my heart because it is a large part of my testimony. That is so significant to me because for so long I never thought I had a testimony.

I cannot put into words everything this trip is meaning to me. I literally cringe at the thought of coming home. I want to stay here in this place forever. I want to stay in this place I am with God forever. But I know He has more for me to do else where. I feel this is such a pivotal moment in my walk with God. Life changing transformations are on their way in my life and the lives of many of my team members. We all have such expectant hearts for what God is doing in Bolivia as well as what He is doing in our own lives. I have no idea what it is God has planned. I have no idea what this big transformation is going to entail. Yet, as scary as that is I know without a shadow of a doubt it is going to be for my VERY BEST. I believe God is going to open my eyes to so much (even more than He already has) and give me answers to many questions I've had. I am believing him for crystal clear direction between now and the end of this trip on Sunday night.

Please be encouraged. It does not take a degree, a special anointing (outside of the one you receive when you accept Jesus), or even an extensive knowledge of the Bible to be a missionary. All it takes is a willing heart. A heart that is willing to fulfill WHAT EVER role God calls you to fulfill. A heart that is willing to work with others because you cannot do it on your own. A heart that is willing to cast their cares upon Jesus because we become ineffective when we carry a load we are not strong enough to carry. The bottom line is the only requirement to be used by God is a WILLING HEART! He just wants you to sit back and watch Him work. It's an amazing show :)!

Te amo, mi amors <3

Fun Bolivian Fact: It is currently fall. Winter will truly begin in July :).

"The Lord has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind" 1 Timothy 2:7

Yo puedo a servir a Dios AHORA! - Day 1 in Bolivia

HOLAAAAA DE BOLIVIA!!!! Can you believe it? I'm really here, right now! I can hardly believe it either. I am going to do my best to update you every night :)! Sadly, there will not be any pictures until I return because I do not have my chord to connect & upload. However, as soon as I get back I will make a massive slide show for everyone to see! This is the fourth mission trip I have been on, but I would like to think of it as my first. I describe it this way because this is the first time that I have been on a mission trip since I began my RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. The other mission trips I have been on before were definitely AMAZING, and it changed me. However, the change did not last because I was void of relationship with Jesus. I believe that is why this trip is so much more emotional for me because I know Jesus as MY personal Lord & Savior now. 

It's only day one, and I feel like I've been here for about 3 already. Haha. It's been a crazy busy day, but absolutely wonderful. I would not trade it for the entire world. I am going to journal as much as I can throughout each day, and whatever I write is what I will share with you on here. I want it to be raw & vulnerable so you get the fullest experience living vicariously through my words. 

First, to my partners (donators and prayer warriors): I love you guys so much. I honestly could not be here right now without each and every one of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know that you are so much a part of EVERYTHING we are doing here this week. 

Journal entry (day 1): 

"Today has been EMOTIONAL! It totally touched my heart to walk into an Every Nation church here in BOLIVIA! It is amazing to see how God connects us thousands and thousands of miles apart. It was such a blessing to walk in knowing that our church is a part of this church. The presence of God was so thick in the room that it instantly brought tears to my eyes. It was beautiful to hear and see worship in spanish. No matter the language His presence still ravishes! It is so mind boggling to me that I am even here! The struggle in my mind is very real right now. The devil is trying so hard to talk me into "my shell," attack me with fear and my past, and even irritate me with headaches. BUT he will NOT win. This is confirmation that God is going to do a HUGE work this week. I will not leave Bolivia the same as I have entered it. I will be FREE of the things that chained me at home (cyclical living, my past, etc). This will NOT be a temporary change. He is transforming for LIFE this week! I am believing for holiness, the revelation of the ever-flowing power of the Holy spirit within me, and that God is going to use me where I am right here and right now. 

I shared my "2-minute testimony" at our evening service at church today. It was ROUGH. I was terrified, lol. The devil came at me again telling me that I don't have a testimony, and whatever I had to say would not be strong enough to help anyone. It rattled me quite a bit, but I struggled through regardless. Although, this share was such a stumble to get through I am choosing to believe that God will use it anyway to bless someone through the power of his Holy Spirit. I'll be sharing it repeatedly ALL week so I know it will get better (and prayerfully, easier!). Tomorrow we start our medical outreach. I have already mentally prepared myself for tears! The children are going to pierce straight to my heart! One of our team members encouraged us today with a word that our presence is a ministry and a blessing in itself. It reminded us all to be content in our role while we are here because each part is so necessary. Each part is such a blessing! We are here on purpose for purpose! I am believing God for a REVIVAL that starts in my own heart, and over flows to every single life I encounter. 

Dear Lord, I so know You are going to do big, life-changing, and lasting transformation this week. Help me when I doubt You, and grace me when I am being attacked. I have victory in You, and You alone. I ask for unity and transparency among our team. I pray for a revival in our hearts and the city of Santa Cruz, Bolivia. I pray for humility, flexibility, boldness, and courage for our whole team. Make us aware of the POWER we have through grace and the Holy Spirit. Prepare the hearts we will speak to to receive the Gospel. Empower them to choose eternal life. Please provide for us ALL the medication this city needs. Allow us to serve with joyful hearts. Remind us always this is solely for YOUR GLORY! Empty us of ourselves and fill us with You. I pray that we would desire You ALONE. Thank You, thank You, thank You!! Keep us, guide us, and use us! In Jesus name, Amen!" 


Fun Bolivian Fact: School days are only 4-5 hours because they utilize the same building for different groups of student in the morning and afternoon (i.e.: 7:30 - 12:30 && 2-6). Also, some H.S. students have to go to school on Saturday mornings. Yuck! 

 ^"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you." Romans 8:11 (NIV)

5 more dayys!!!

Ladies & Gentleman... I AM GOING TO BOLIVIA THIS SATURDAY!!!!!! I can hardly even believe this is real. It feels like yesterday I began my contemplation on whether or not I would even attempt to go, and now here I am packing! Crazy huh? God's so faithful. 

This process has not been easy. Not necessarily surrounding around the mission trip itself, but my life as a whole. I have been distracted, tempted, and tested throughout this whole process. The devil has seriously fought hard for my attention, but the Lord has RELENTLESSLY pursued me with His love. I have failed, I have succeeded, and I have just been moving through motions. Thankfully, however, the Lord has been so unbelievably faithful even in the midst of my wavering. He has stretched and grown me in these last few months. I am believing He is going to do so many amazing and unimaginable things (Ephesians 3:20) while I am in Bolivia not only in the lives of the people we will reach, but also our team's lives as well. 

Anyway...while I am in Bolivia I will have internet. Thank the Lord!! Haha. So for those of you that have partnered with me through prayers and encouragement can live vicariously through my words :). I am not sure of our definitive schedule yet, but I know that we will be involved in medical missions, campus ministry, and possibly construction. We have a church planted there that we are also believing to encourage and grow while there. Please just pray for our hearts to be filled with an unquenchable love that can be poured out into everyone we encounter. Please pray for boldness as we share the Gospel and our own personal stories. Please pray for victory over the fear that may try to silence us. Lastly, pray that every heart we encounter will be receptive to the Gospel. I want a REVIVAL to happen in the streets of Bolivia. A revival that will continue long after our team has left. 

I will do my best to give daily updates, even if they are short. I want you to feel like you are there with me :). I also want to share specific prayer requests with you. Thank you so much for reading, praying, caring, and being all-around awesome!!! 

Lastly (completely unrelated)... I was watching NCIS today as I was working out. Ducky made a statement about a narcissistic killer they were after. "Ever narcissist wants to be the hero of their own story, and every hero needs a villain." It made me think of how our society has been deemed as a society full of narcissists. So many of us are so desperate to be known that we create our own villains in our homes, at our jobs, on the street... All of this to say we have to be so mindful of this narcissistic mentality that is running rampant through our society. Next time you are arguing with someone pause to think if you are trying to be the hero of your story. Remember, only Jesus saves. 

"And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world for a witness to all the nations, and then the end shall come." Matthew 24:14 

Ishmael & Isaac...(The importance of waiting on God)

Have you ever felt like you could not survive if something did not happen? And to top it all off that very thing was taking forever to happen? Even worse...it was starting to feel like it would never happen? Yeah, me too! Take heart, my loves, we are not alone nor are we the first to ever feel this way.  These feelings and questions date back to the Old Testament. 

Let's take a look at Abraham's story in Genesis. Here is an overview... Abraham and Sara have been married for a while. They are longing for a son, but they have not yet received one. The culture of this time held having a son of very HIGH importance. This is how a father kept his bloodline going. Needless to say, having a son is something Abraham and Sara felt they could not live without. It is in the beginning of Genesis 15 that we start to see Abraham's impatience and despair (v.2-3). Abraham asks questions that many of us ask today... "Lord what good is what you give me if I don't have a husband, if I don't have a child, if I don't get this promotion, if I don't look this certain way...?" The list goes on. Like Abraham we begin to place our identity in the GIFTS God gives rather than the gift of His presence! I can always spot this in my life when I start having thoughts such as "if I have (insert desire), then I'll be happy." NO! I have Christ, and that is where my joy is (Nehemiah 8:10)! The gifts He gives are always to come secondary to the gift of relationship with Him. He wants our hearts, and to be our first priority. He is the lover of our souls! Anyway... immediately after Abraham complains God makes Him a promise (isn't it crazy how faithful He is even when we are faithless!?). He promises that Abraham WILL have a son to be the heir to his inheritance (v.5-6). Better yet, He promises Him better than what Abraham wanted for Himself (sidenote: His blessings are ALWAYS better than what we desire for ourselves or could attain on our own strength)!! 

Fast forward... Abraham and Sara wait 10 years and are still childless (now in ch. 16). Sara becomes impatient, and doubts God's promise. She tells her husband to have sex with their servant, Hagar, so she can have his child (crazy lady!). Hagar births a son and names him Ishmael. The description of Ishmael's life (v.11-12) is crazy. He is destined to be wild and in constant tribulation with everyone, including his family. This, my friends, is the product of getting ahead of God's timing. We have ALL birthed Ishmael's in our lives. We have rushed ahead of God, and created catastrophes. I've rushed ahead of God specifically in relationships...I've birthed nothing but heartache (for myself and others), insecurity, and guilt! Getting ahead of God makes our lives harder. I mean, imagine Sara having to watch a child grow that reminded her constantly of her husband sleeping with another woman. Ishmael was a constant reminder that Sara did not have the one thing she wanted most in the world. Obtaining what we thing we desire outside of God never satisfies!

 But God's grace....

Fast forward (last one! stick with me!)... Abraham is now 99 years old without a son from Sara (now in ch. 21), which knowing human biology means it is likely that his promise from God is not coming. Yet, it is NOW that God brings forth His promise (v.2, he is actually 100 years old when Isaac is born!). Yeah, our God is crazy awesome like that! Even though Abraham and Sara disobeyed God and stopped believing in His promise He STILL faithfully brought forth His promise. God does not promise anything He is not faithful to bring to us! Lastly, it is so profound what God says in v.12-13! Sara asks that Abraham banish his first son, Ishmael. The Lord tells him to comply to her request, but also tells him that Ishmael will be BLESSED! Woow! Although, in many cases we will have to part with the Ishmael's we birth (which is a painful process) God promises us that what we birthed will be blessed! He loves us so greatly! We are faithless, and He is faithful beyond what we could think or imagine (Ephesians 3:20) 

All of this to say... No matter where you are in life, take heart God will meet you there. If you are in a place of waiting for your "Isaac", then KEEP WAITING! God is faithful to fulfill every promise He has made to you. Embrace this time of waiting. He is preparing you for the blessing He is going to bring you. Your promotion is coming, your husband/wife is coming, healing is coming, deliverance is coming, your ISAAC is coming! Delight in the Lord (Psalm 37:4) Have you birthed some "Ishmael's"? It's alright! Lay them at Jesus' feet. Seek His guidance, and trust Him with them. He will bless them AND bring your "Isaac." How awesome is that? Our God is good, loving, and faithful! 

My prayer is this encourages you to wait on Him, cast your cares and Ishmael's upon Him, and trust in His love. He is absolutely crazy in love with you!! 

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

SO CLOSE...

Ladies & gentlemen... :)

Because of YOU I have raised about $600!! 

**At this point if you have NO idea what I am referring to please take a moment to refer back to THIS post.**

Woohoo! I am so thankful for every single prayer and every single donation. I truly could not do this without you guys. 

THANKFULLY, by God's grace my half way point has been moved back a week. I now need $750 more by APRIL 26th. 

I can ONLY do this with YOUR help!! Please know that in donating you are not only helping me get to Bolivia, but you are partnering with a mission. This mission is to spread the hope, love, and gospel of Jesus Christ to the lost, broken, and hurting. We are going as a team with a heart for the people and a desire to spread hope to all that will give us the time of day. You are partnering with a mission to establish a church in this city so that even once we are gone the gospel is STILL spreading. That is such a big mission! And even if now is not the time for you to embark on one of your own you can still be a part. 

Every part in the body is needed for it to function. Your part is SO important to me. Below is the link to  give. Whatever gift God places on your heart to give is UNBELIEVABLY appreciated. Thank you in advance for helping me with God's mission! 

GIVE HERE! GIVE HERE! GIVE HERE! :)

Please keep myself, my team, and the hearts that we will encounter in Bolivia in your prayers. We are believing God for big things, and it would mean so much to have you stand along with us. 

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." 1 Corinthians 12:27 (NIV)

I need YOUR help!

Dear Family and Friends,

I am writing this letter with an immense amount of excitement as I have been offered an amazing and unique opportunity through my church. This summer they are taking a team to Bolivia on a ten-day mission trip and because I truly have a heart for missions, I feel God is calling me to participate.

Our team will be leaving in June to go to Bolivia where we will be ministering through several outreaches.  We will have an opportunity to meet and minister to high school and college students, as well as support churches planted by previous teams. This is a mission after my own heart because of the passion I have for my generation. It is such a blessing to be able to minister to people who are in the same situations God has delivered me from. Not only will I be able to help in the transformation of other lives but I am fully certain that my life will also be forever changed. I believe this opportunity will strengthen my relationship with God.

In order to be a part of this mission I need your help. As a team member, I need to raise $2,500; the first $1,250 must be in by April 19^th, and the remaining amount by May 17^th. I am asking that you and anyone you know help me by partnering with me through a gift of $100, $50 or $25. However, if God is not laying one of those amounts on your heart, I appreciate any gift you are able to offer. As my partner, you not only invest in the Great Commission, but together we will have a ministry that will reach people all over the world.

Whether you are led to donate or not I do ask that you keep myself and my team in your prayers. This is a time that God is going to stretch us and deepen our faith as He prepares us for His mission. Please pray for our perseverance, for His provision, and for souls to be saved in Bolivia. Pray for the advancement of His kingdom.

I will follow up with you in approximately one week to ensure you’ve received my message. If you have any questions or would like to discuss further, please feel free to call, text, or email me. I would love to connect with you!

Giving Options:

Online - https://admin.everynation.org/giving-tendays/?missionary=100324008

Checks – Made out to Every Nation using my mission I.D. 100324008

**If you would like to send a check email me & I will get you an address to send it to! zkayy41@gmail.com**

My prayers are with you. Thanks so much for your support.

Love, Zakia Alcantara